Three male Labradors, one brown, one yellow and one black, were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's surgery when they struck up a conversation.
The black lab turned to the brown and said, "So why are you here?"
The brown lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything --the sofa, the curtains, the cat, and the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The black lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"
"Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the brown lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."
The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you here?"
The yellow lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, and I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."
So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired.
"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too." The dejected yellow lab said.
The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why are you here?"
"I'm a humper," the black lab said. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, and postboxes, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back, and started humping away".
The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said "So, nuts off for you too, huh?"
The black lab said.... "Naw, I'm just here to get my nails clipped."
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two large plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand.
Unfortunately, there is a rip in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her.... "Ma'am there are $20 bills falling out of your bag."
"Oh, really? Shoot!" says the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can collect them. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh no," says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the parking lot of the football stadium.
Each time there is a game, a lot of the fans come and pee through the bushes, right into my flower beds!
So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingy through the bushes,
I say,"$20 or off it comes!"
"Well, that seems only fair," laughs the cop. "Ok, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well," says the little old lady ...”not everybody pays!"
What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?
Answer: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose…