[Bonkers789]

Bh84 you wanted so here it is Keep this Clean Guys the bad stuff can go in the Supporting members section

 

[Lost Down Under]

Habib was trying to get a job in India


The Personnel Manager said, "Habib, you have
passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass
it you cannot qualify for this job."
Habib said, "I am ready."

The manager said, "Make a sentence using the
words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Habib thought for a few minutes and said,
"Mister manager, I am ready."

The manager said, "Go ahead."

Habib said, "The telephone goes green, green,
and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Habib.'"
Habib now works as a technician at a call center for computer problems.
No doubt you have spoken to him. I have!

 

[Lost Down Under]

A Qld farmer got in his ute and drove to a neighbouring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy, about nine, opened the door.

"Is your Dad home"? the farmer asked.

"Sorry mate, he isn't" the boy replied "He went into town."

"Well," said the farmer, "Is your mum here"?

"No, sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Greg? Is he here"?

"He went with Mum and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.


"Is there anything I can do for ya"? the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one. Or maybe, I could take a message for Dad."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Greg getting my daughter pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment.

"You would have to talk to Dad about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Dad charges $200 for the bull and $150 for the pig, but I really don't know how much he gets for Greg."

 

[Lost Down Under]

A few words of wisdom!

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not
walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either.
Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a
broken fan belt and leaky tire.
3. Its always darkest before dawn. So if you're going
to steal your neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced,
you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like
everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try
missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a
mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile
away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is
probably not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach
him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person
again, it was probably a wise investment.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember
anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the
windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it
in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side
and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women.
Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when
your lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don't get until just
after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill
and a laxative on the same night

 

[Lost Down Under]

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner' s daughter gave her a pretty box of chocolate.

Then the liquor store owner's boy brought in a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed.

"No," replied the boy.

She tasted another drop and asked, "champagne?"

"No," said the little boy, "...it's a puppy!"

 

[bh84]

Three male Labradors, one brown, one yellow and one black, were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's surgery when they struck up a conversation.

The black lab turned to the brown and said, "So why are you here?"

The brown lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything --the sofa, the curtains, the cat, and the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"

"Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the brown lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."

The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you here?"

The yellow lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, and I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."

So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired.

"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too." The dejected yellow lab said.

The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why are you here?"

"I'm a humper," the black lab said. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, and postboxes, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back, and started humping away".

The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said "So, nuts off for you too, huh?"

The black lab said.... "Naw, I'm just here to get my nails clipped."




A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two large plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand.
Unfortunately, there is a rip in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her.... "Ma'am there are $20 bills falling out of your bag."
"Oh, really? Shoot!" says the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can collect them. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh no," says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the parking lot of the football stadium.
Each time there is a game, a lot of the fans come and pee through the bushes, right into my flower beds!
So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingy through the bushes,
I say,"$20 or off it comes!"
"Well, that seems only fair," laughs the cop. "Ok, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well," says the little old lady ...”not everybody pays!"






What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?


Answer: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose…

 

[bh84]

The Bible and a Haircut:

A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and inquired of his
father, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said
he'd make a deal with his son.

"You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a
little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the
offer and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said,
"Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up and
I've observed that you have been studying your Bible,
but I'm real disappointed you haven't gotten your hair cut."

The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been
thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the
Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair,
Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus
had long hair."

To this his father replied,


"Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?

 

[Lost Down Under]

The Bronze Rat

A tourist walked into a Sydney curio/antique shop.
After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat.
It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.
He took it to the owner and said: 'How much is this bronze rat?'
The owner replied: 'It's $12 for the rat, and $100 for the story.'
The tourist gave the owner his $12 and said: 'I'll just take the rat. You can keep the story.'
As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him. This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.
He increased his speed & ran on towards Watson Bay beach, and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster & faster.
By now, very concerned, he ran down to the pier and threw the Bronze Rat far out into the water.
Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.
The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said: 'Ah, you've come back for the story then?'
'No,' said the tourist. I came back to see if you've got a Bronze Muslim Fundamentalist Cleric, a couple of Asians, a Poof, a Bronkos supporter , some New Zealanders, and anything Aboriginal.”

 

[bh84]

 

[Lost Down Under]

After a relaxing bath... Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself, nude in a mirror. Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose weight was depressing her.

In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help.
'God... if you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you,' she prayed.

And just like that... her ears fell off.

 

[Lost Down Under]

The Australian Army

Dear Mum & Dad,


I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone!
I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all yagotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.


Your loving daughter,

Sheila

 

[Lost Down Under]

 

[Lost Down Under]

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast.

He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news', says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'

The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead.

Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.

The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.'

He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that...

So what's the other possible good news?

'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gunna shoot over there and pull her up again!

 

[Lost Down Under]

A little boy who's 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened dead frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of "a house of ill repute" and knocked on the door.

When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in.

Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"

Of course the Madam said "No".

He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"

He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter.

After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught.

When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch it.

Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease.

And he's the bastard who ran over my frog!

 

[Lost Down Under]

The following are all replies that Detroit women have
written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section
for listing "father's details;" or putting it another
way.... Who's yo Daddy? These are genuine excerpts
from the forms.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins,
Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley. I am
unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda,
but I believe that she was conceived on the same
night.

2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my
child as I was being sick out of a window when taken
unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a
list of names of men that I think were at the party if
this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little
girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand
Boulevard where I had sex with a man I met that night.
I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted.
If you do manage to track down the father, can you
please send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my
daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by
my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can
contact BMW service stations in this area and see if
he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a
Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope
confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and
that he is the Saver risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia dad as he
informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that
would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I
am torn between doing right by you and right by the
country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as
they all look the same to me.

8. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A. If you do
catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my
AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same
time... Well, I don't have clue.

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was
conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the
Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing
that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program
about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in
and watched more TV rather than going to the party at
8956 Miller Ave, mine might have remained
unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my
baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you
can't be sure which one made you fart.

 

[Lost Down Under]

Hurricane Shazza hit Mt Druitt in the early hours of Monday 17th March
2008. Victims were seen wandering around
aimlessly, muttering 'Faaackinell'.

The hurricane devastated the area causing approximately $30 worth of
damage. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed.Many locals
were woken well before their Centrelink cheques arrived.

The Mt Druitt Times reported that hundreds of residents were confused and
bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that
something interesting had happened inn Mt Druitt..

One resident - Tracy Maree Sharon Britney Madonna Smith, a 15-year-old
mother of 5 said 'It was such a shock, my little daughter
Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two
Joachim and River slept through it all.'

Apparently, looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on
as normal. The Australian Red Cross has
so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Bacardi-Breezers to the area to help
the stricken locals.

Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large
quantities of personal belongings, including Health Care Cards, Jewellery
from Kmart, and Bone China from Big W.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those
unfortunate enough to be caught up in this
disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:
flannelette shirts, tight blue jeans or spandex, singlets (blue & white)
white sport socks, Ugg boots and any other items usually sold in Priceline
or The Reject Shop.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs urgently needed include: Microwave meals, Baked beans,
Ice cream, Chips, Fizzy drinks.

Donations of $15.00 will be taken to buy a packet of winny blue 25s and a
lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

**Breaking news**

Mt Druitt Uniting Church has cancelled their local 'Nativity Display' due
to their inability to find three wise men or a virgin.

Please don't forward this to anyone living in Mt Druitt - oh, stuff it,
they won't be able to read it, anyway!

 

[dirtycarl]

A man walks up to his friend at a bar and shows him a 12 inch tall man playing a tiny piano. The man then tells his friend that he received this miniature piano player from a genie, and that this genie would grant him any wish.

The friend then asks the genie for a million bucks, and POOF, he's surrounded by a million ducks. The friend turns to the man and says "I said a million bucks, not a million ducks". The man then appologizes and says I should have warned you that the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?

--------------------------------------------------------------

Who was Moby Dick's father?

Papa Boner

 

[Lost Down Under]

A Cajun walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. 'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. 'Then he'll open his mouth And I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.' The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his Johnson and related parts in the alligator's open mouth...

The gator closed his mouth, as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the Alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth And the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered, And the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.' A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A Blonde woman timidly spoke up..........'I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!'

 

[Lost Down Under]

Australian story!

The Squirrel and The Grasshopper


REST OF THE WORLD VERSION



The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long,
building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays
the summer away.


Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. The shivering
grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.



THE END



...................................................


THE AUSTRALIAN VERSION



The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long,
building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays
the summer away.

Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press
conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be
warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are
cold and starving.

The ABC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering
grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm
home with a table laden with food.

The Australian press informs people that they should be ashamed
that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to
suffer so while others have plenty.

The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper
Housing Commission of Australia demonstrate in front of the squirrel's
house.

The ABC, interrupting a cultural festival special from St Kilda
with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing 'We Shall
Overcome'.

Bill Shorten rants in an interview with Laurie Oakes that the
squirrel got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an
immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his 'fair share' and
increases the charge for squirrels to enter Melbourne city centre.

In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the
Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to
the beginning of the summer. The squirrel's taxes are reassessed. He is
taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders,
for the work he was doing on his home, and an additional fine for
contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work.

The grasshopper is provided with a Housing Commission house,
financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to
ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and
re-distributed to the more needy members of society - in this case the
grasshopper.

Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his
newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start
building a new home.

The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a
temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to
Australia as they had to share their country of origin with mice.

On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of
Australians' apparent love of dogs.

The cats had been arrested for the international offence of
hijacking and attempted bombing but were immediately released because the
police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody.

Initial moves to make then return them to their own country were
abandoned because it was feared they would face death by the mice.

The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from people's
credit cards.

A 60 Minutes special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of
the squirrel's food, though spring is still months away, while the Housing
Commission house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered
to maintain it. He is shown to be taking drugs.

Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshopper's drug
'Illness'.

The cats seek recompense in the Australian courts for their
treatment since arrival in Australia.

The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a
burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released
immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed
in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him.

Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.

A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost $10 million and
state the obvious, is set up.

Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme
for grasshoppers.

Legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased.

The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching
Australia's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by the
government for failing to befriend the cats.

The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose.

The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of
government to address the root causes of despair arising from social
inequity and his traumatic experience of prison.

They call for the resignation of a minister.

The cats are paid $1 million each because their rights were
infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in
Australia.

The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the
bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage
on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay
for law and order, and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65
because of a shortfall in government funds.

THE END

 

[Lost Down Under]